Journal #243 – Quick review of my current life

It’s now December, indicating 2017 is coming to an end. Within this year alone, I find myself working for two companies just as I did back in 2016.

With every new jobs, I find myself learning new things, experiencing new things, and in general growing on a personal level, understanding myself better. That allowed me to be clearer than I did before about what I want in life.

Right now, at this stage of my life, I came to the decision that I want to be involved more in the design and creative aspect of software development. By that I meant on the user experience and the user interface aspect. It’s part of my desire to deliver quality, to improve the lives of people through good software products. User experience is the best way for customers to define what’s quality software.

Will this direction change in the future? Most definitely. Without change, one will remain stagnant and become irrelevant. My choices in the future will most definitely change. I will most definitely change as I gain more experience, and grow. But that doesn’t mean the quality core value becomes less important to me in the future. I have always demand quality when it comes to the things I consume since I was young.

With that, I will let my current life remain status quo. That mean I will stay on this job for now to earn the money necessary to continue build my savings while seeking out any opportunity that will allow me to build up my skills in various form of writing. Money is needed here too for me to take up courses to improve myself in various form of writings. For now, technical writing is something I want to go into and I have already signed up for the technical writing course offered by Nanyang Technological University (NTU). Now I’m just waiting for them to get back to me on my application and for me to make payment.

That’s all for now.

Advertisements

Journal #226 – Came across as Self-absorbed, a work in progress

I just got a revelation today. It turns out I wasn’t self-aware enough at all. In a way. If I am, I would have work to ensure I didn’t come across as self-absorbed.

A friend of mine told me today that I was being a little to self-centered and putting myself as morally superior in my writing.

That came as a result of a Facebook post I made regarding millennial being not entitled. I presented a very weak argument and a contradiction.

I admit I posted that as a result of an emotional response to the title of an article I read. That was a mistake. I should have read the article properly, processed it more deeply and find a context before jumping the gun. It’s a tendency of mine and I will need to work on that.

So I deleted that post and moved on.

With that feedback, I actually went over my old journal entries and concluded that a vast majority of my entries are all showing that I’m totally self-absorbed.

Let’s see what are some of the traits of being a self-absorbed person.

A quick google and I picked this Lifehacks article, 15 signs of Self-absorbed People

And below are the 15 signs:

  1. They are always on the defensive
  2. They don’t see the big picture
  3. They are imposing
  4. They feel insecure sometimes
  5. They always think they are superior to others
  6. They consider friendships a tool for getting what they want
  7. They are extremely opinionated
  8. They do not have long lasting relationships
  9. They do not have a real sense of empathy
  10. They hide their insecurities behind a cloak of success
  11. They devalue others
  12. They can be arrogant
  13. They hide who they are
  14. They are extremely selfish
  15. They think they are great and the world out there is wrong

Other than number 6, and to a certain extent 7, I have all the remaining traits at various degree.

I suppose if someone didn’t point it out, I will continue to fault this and never really grow. But I suppose it shows that I am not as self-aware as I thought I am. That’s bad but I know I can do better than this and I will.

Of course, I am not a good judge of my own self when it comes to improvement. Instead I will let other people decide if I have improved in anyway. All I can do is be aware of everything I do and be open to feedback so that I can grow to be a better person than I was yesterday.

And I have to be patient because changes to your personality and thinking are progressive. I will also let the other journals remain as they are (the past me will probably delete all of them and restart) so that people and myself are able to see the changes I have gone through.

Because being human is both ugly and beautiful.

Journal #211 – Looking at new opportunities, application test deployment

Yesterday, an agent got in contact with me regarding a possible Java application development opportunity. He wanted to call me yesterday but didn’t call me back, so I did today. Talked for a while and shared what I’m looking for.

As a developer, I have always prefer to develop internal products over external products. There are many reasons and they are as follows: the perceived stability, the customer base consists of my colleagues within the same company which can translate to easier communication, better understanding of the requirements because I’m inside the company, ease of managing the software and hardware needed to run the application, and reduce the need for me to run all over the country to perform deployment, maintenance, etc.

All that is in line with what I am looking for in life and that is stability. If it is an external product, the chance of it failing is higher, and that tend to raise my anxiety levels. The need to suddenly travel down to customer’s office to provide support at odd hours also will raise my stress levels.

I know that by being part of the process to develop external products allow me to grow better and faster on a personal and professional level because it is uncomfortable. So is developing internal products. At the end of the day, it’s all about opportunity cost and your definition of success. My definition of success is that I can kick back and relax, read a book, play a video game, watch a show or hang out with friends whenever I want. Yours maybe or can by different. We are all different.

But it is important to remember and be aware that kicking back and relax is only achievable if there is financial security or stability, part of my personal value.

So you see, for me, doing internal product development allow me to have a job, which give me that financial security, and give me more stability in terms of less chance of me being called to support the customer at odd hours, which will most likely upset my me time. It is a win-win situation for me but finding such a job is difficult in an economy as small as Singapore. And if I do find one, there will always be trade off on something else. This potential opportunity, well, the office is located on the eastern side of Singapore and that means I need to spend at least one hour and a half commuting. So it’s something that I need to ask myself, is it a worthwhile trade-off.

That lead me to the next point.

My current project is now approaching the testing phase. Next week, Monday, my colleagues and I will be heading down to the customer’s office to deploy and test the application in their environment. Right now, all is good and working in our office environment but that’s not real world.

In a way, it’s a good thing that there is some kind of heads-up. I have sufficient preparation. So far, at all the jobs that I am on, I always get so stressed up by the need to travel to customer’s office. My first job need me to do that. My second job also need me to do that. Now, my current job too. If I am to distill why I get so stressed every time, it is really all about being in a new environment. I hate going to a new place without amber mental preparation. I know the why, the what, and the how. This is how I am able to tune it out and focus on the now.

And it’s very obvious that there will be an increasing need for me or my colleague to go down there going forward to do user acceptance test, deploy patches, support the users, etc. Just the thought of those things have already stressed me out. However, this drudgery is all part of being a software engineer.

And now you know why I didn’t want to keep doing this line of work and want to build up sufficient savings so that I can do a mini retirement and focus on writing. Software engineering is also a form of creation but it takes so much more out of me than writing due to the other aspects.

So what about you guys? Have you found out what you want in life and determine what you should be doing to get there? And have you put those plans into action so that you are on the path to get to the place that you want to be in?

Like someone more hardworking, more daring, and smarter than me always say: The Only Person You Should Try To Please Is Your 80 Year Old Self.

Journal #184 – Onwards! Marching Towards My End Goal

When I started writing this, I wasn’t sure what title I will be giving and I will be lying if I say I knew what I want to write about upon staring at this blank canvas. So what I will do is just write and let the process take over.

First, I will say my progress at work has been decent. I’m quite happy that my codes have not yet hit any major bugs during the integration process.

However, one of my colleagues has definitely commented a lot about my approaches to API design and implementation. She dislike that I’m returning a list of entities instead of a list of IDs of those entities from my application services. It meant that she had to post-process the results and extract the data she needs. She also commented on the naming of the functions as they were not the typical function that begin with words Get or Set or Update or Save. I named my functions in accordance to Tell, Don’t Ask principle with the exact purpose of the function stated clearly as part of the function name. Yes, some function names are verbose but if you read it carefully, there is no confusion. She also don’t like the fact that I use String as parameters for querying instead of integers.

All these comments definitely have in some way upset me because in a way, my reality and world view were being destroyed by someone else. But I let it go as there is no need to hold on to the negative emotions. I standby my approach and what I have done but to make her life easier during integration, I added additional functions that accept the parameters that she wants to supply. Depending on the situation, I do a double-dispatch or simply repeat myself. Yes, I do know the latter approach is completely wrong. One should never violate DRY principle.

Other than that, I focus on developing the WPF side of things for the identity and access module. I still see myself as relatively new to WPF and so I spent a lot of time fumbling around before I achieve what I want. There are of course lots of things I still don’t comprehend fully. As there is a super tight schedule, I had to focus on achieving some kind of useful output with whatever knowledge that I do have and could gain. And I dare say so far so good. The user interface is coming along nicely.

After work, I reminded myself again that I don’t want to do programming anymore…definitely not on a full-time basis. Part of it was because I never like being squeezed by tight deadlines. I also never quite enjoy working with other people. All of these always raise my blood pressure, give me some sort of anxiety or panic attack. And if I’m not careful, my health, both mental and physical, will suffer. What is keeping me going for now is the money. And I got to repeat it again: Not at the expense of my health. I am still trying to reach my end goal of having enough to do a mini-retirement by 32 years old and then switch over to do something that I truly enjoy, which is writing in general. 32 years old isn’t exactly very far away for me. It’s in two years time and I just turned 30 recently.

At home, I spent my free time watching Van Helsing Season 2 and Ghost Wars, having dinner, and just simply chilling.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Journal #168 – Can’t Run Away, Might As Well Just Do It

There are many things in life that you can’t run away from.

Why?

Because it’s something you know.

Because it’s something you can do.

Because it’s part of your life. By that I meant work. Your job.

So I went to back to it again. I went back to building identity management modules for applications again.

I worked with similar implementations for my first job. Worked with identity management again for my second job.

And I went back at applying what I know about Domain Driven Design, both theoretical and practical.

And I went back at it, doing software design.

So you see. You can’t run away from certain things. Not if it is practical. Not if you want to ensure some kind of stability in life. And it’s the same thing with other aspect of your life.

Journal #164 – Minimalism, Gratitude, Patience, and 5% More

Singaporeans sure complain alot; I complain a lot. We all are miserable.

Let me be clear. I don’t know of the minute details that led them to complain a lot but I assume it has to do with them NOT doing the following:

  1. Simplifying their lives
  2. Be grateful for what they already have
  3. Have patience for things to happen
  4. Applying 5% more effort, more time, to achieve what they want.

Of course, you may get upset and ask: how I can assume that? You may just say: I am not you or him or her. I am stupid. I haven’t experienced enough.

The list goes on.

I do question myself: Am I right or wrong with my assumption?

All I can say is, I don’t know. But what do I know? I drew my current conclusion through my observations thus far. And I do know I am like that too. I didn’t simplify my life. I wasn’t grateful for what I already have. I wasn’t patient enough to wait for things. I didn’t apply 5% more effort, or more time on whatever I want to achieve.

It made me unhappy. It made me FUCKING MISERABLE!

Now?

I simplified my life when it comes to material goods and owning things. Having access is more important. I buy only when I truly need it, and after I have asked myself several questions and answered them.

It doesn’t mean I am not affected by advertisement and the emotions associated with getting new things. I personally love getting gadgets. In the past, I got new phones, MP3 players, Discmans, etc., just because I want them. And at this stage of my life, I love Apple’s products and wanted to get the latest and greatest (iPhone X, I am looking at you). I am afterall like you, a human too. However, I applied 5% more effort to change my mindset (I am a lazy person and enjoy things status quo, so it’s a struggle everyday) and accept the feelings I have, then I moved on.

Simplification also come into play on what I have to say next. There is one thing in Singapore that always grind parents’ gears. I am not a parent nor do I foresee myself getting married anytime soon. So I don’t know what is it like. But I see it everywhere and I do know what it brings. It brings unhappiness. It makes everybody in the circle fucking miserable. I see it in every parent’s face.

What is it? Education.

Parents in Singapore always compare with their friends and colleagues when it comes to their kids’ educations. They fret over the school their kids go to, how much tuition their kids should get, etc.

Why they do it?

They have good intention behind it. All parents want their kids to have a better life than they did. They applied their worldview of having more money and climbing the corporate ladder as having a better life.

But it has gotten to a point where it becomes fucking excessive, especially when it comes to tuition or expectations parents have of their kids. It put pressure on both ends, no doubt. Parents, wanting the best for their kids, send them to the best school and tuition centers, spending out thousands of dollars every month. It strained their finances, creating unhappiness. Kids have more homework, less play. They suffer from unnecessary anxiety. As kids, they tend to suffer more because they are unable to articulate out. They internalized it as just went “because my parent blah blah blah…, I have to do it.” When they fail, they blame themselves. That leads to the increasing number of children committing suicide. When that happens, parents will be putting the blame on themselves. If they have more than one child, the other children in the household will also suffer.

So my question is: Is it fucking worth it?

And that question applies to your finances, and your family’s happiness and wellbeing.

That lead me to gratitude. I have also applied gratefulness whenever I am aware of it. There are times when emotions run high, I forget about it or didn’t realize it. I am grateful that I am alive, have a family, and friends. I am grateful that my parents allowed me to explore what I like and dislike. I am grateful that I am not living in poverty and had a decent education. I am grateful that I had and have decent jobs (though I don’t like my current one, it just pays the bills), so that I can have some stability in life.

I have also tried to be more patient. I am an extremely impatient person. I like to see results the moment I applied some action. It is still a work in progress. But over time, I have learned to take it slow and enjoy the process. Just like right now. I applied patience to my writing. In the past, all I thought about was wanting to be maybe a New York bestseller or at least be the best science-fiction novelist from Singapore. And I couldn’t wait to get there. Now I know it’s not easy. And it will never be. It takes patience and hard work.

Both gratitude and patience can go hand-in-hand too. It applies to my family and friends. I am also grateful for the fact that Singapore has a decent, working public transport that can get me to most places and try to be patient when there is a train fault. No need for random outburst or public display of unhappiness. If you can’t wait any longer, accept the situation, move on, and find an alternative.

If you studied and applied stoicism, even at the bare minimum, you will be able to understand what I am talking about.

But most Singaporeans will just complain. I don’t think they have that patience anymore. I also don’t think they have the gratitude anymore. They are always looking for greener grass without wanting to do anything about it. Or they just blame the politicians. I know I do. But it doesn’t change anything. Now I know that. You can vote out the politician at the next election cycle but the real problem is YOU.

Has always been you.

I have come to acknowledge and realize that politicians deal with big picture. They have a grand plan of how to make Singapore a better place. Someone has to do that so that we as nation has a direction. It is up to us to implement. But have we been implementing? We may have but is it enough?

That lead me to the part on 5% more. 5% more effort. 5% more time.

The loudest Singapore complainers are who I assume to be lazy. You can get all defensive with that all you want or lie to me or make up some excuses. I don’t care. At the end, you could be lying to yourself to make yourself feel good and then continue to feel fucking miserable. So start asking yourself, what have I been doing and finding an answer to that.

From what I have observed, these people are NOT spending 5% more effort and time to be on the ground, focusing on making changes to their immediate environment or to themselves. Instead, they rather spend the energy and time doing something as meaningless as complaining.

It’s just noise really. No meaningful actions.

I’m pretty sure even entrepreneurs also say that complaining does nothing. Only by doing, you see result.

And what do I mean by doing? Here are some examples:

 

If you are a rail engineer, put in 5% more effort (even if you are not fucking paid for it), when it comes to train maintenance. How much is 5%? I don’t know the actual amount for you. For me, as a Software Engineer, 5% more simply could mean running an additional unit test on a piece of function before pushing out that piece of code.

 

If you are a parent, put in 5% more time to instill patience in your kids so that they grow up to be patient to wait for things to happen. You see, impatience is a major contributing factor to quality problem at the end. People just want result or get something done and over with at the snap of a finger. So they cut corners instead of spending 5% more effort, 5% more time or even both to deliver quality. Technology these days has made us even more impatient. We get instant dopamine rush or gratification from our smart phones. Instant notifications. Instant news. Instant feedbacks. So much so that we forgot what is it like to wait.

 

You see, if we on the ground didn’t even do things properly within our immediate environment or with ourselves, be fucking patient with the process, be grateful for what we have already achieved, how the fuck can we effect changes at other places.

For me, minimalism was hard. Gratitude was, and sometimes, is hard. Patience is hard. But I applied the same 5% more mindset to them. The end result is. I’m happier than I was. I’m less miserable than I was.

So I hope you can see that, it all starts with us, as an individual. I’m good now. Are you?

Journal #148 – Distilling My Foundational Values

Foundational values form the basis of your being and they determine the actions you take in life.

In today’s journal, I would be distilling my foundational values. It’s on top of these foundational values that I have my core values, which I will talk about in a future journal.

To start, the first foundational value that I have is: Honesty. I never believe that telling a lie, even if it’s a white lie, is the best way forward especially in any relationship. It can be professional, personal, or friendships. Omission of details is also a form of white lie and that is something I don’t agree with. By telling the truth, even if other people disagree, you can rest assured that when something do happen, your conscience is clear. This to me is always better than carrying around guilt. Guilt is sometimes the thing that destroys you from the inside. As a side effect, it more likely to make people respect you more as a person.

My next foundational values is: Integrity. To me, integrity is ethics. One good example of integrity to me is, do not take what is not yours. Or another more common example is, not taking credit for work done by somebody else.

My third foundational value is: Personal Safety. This is pretty much self-explanatory. To give an example, it means that I don’t put myself or anyone else in harm’s way or in situations where harm can befall on anyone.

My fourth foundational value is: Financial Safety. This is also pretty much self-explanatory. To give an example, it means that I need to be able to have enough cash saved up for any raining day or purchase that need more money that my monthly paycheck can cover. Now with my minimalism lifestyle, this can be fulfilled in a much easier manner.

My last foundational value is: Individuality. This is a rather grey value. Individuality can mean many things. For me, I like to think there are two aspect. One is about the freedom to express myself through words or clothes. The second is about respecting my opinion or views or statements on things in life. People tend to violate the second aspect when they sounded dismissive.

Now, whatever actions I take or feelings that I may have about certain things all revolves around me trying to fulfill or meet these values in a very clear right or wrong manner. People who violated any of these values will tend to end up on the receiving end of my anger or irritation. However, you will see me violating some of these foundational values. When you do see that, it simply means that something is terribly wrong (e.g. I’m completely and utterly stressed out) and I’m on the path of self-destruction. There are some cases in life which I am unable to reconcile or perform any actions that align with my foundational values. When that happens, you will see lots of contradictions from me as I’m torn.

Journal # 136 – Being me

Type 6 INFP. Highly-sensitive person.

These are just labels that pretty much describe who I am. Even the Big-Five personality traits model also indicate the same core traits that revolve around the following:

I don’t do anything if I don’t get the sense or feeling of security or safety. I rely a lot on verbal assurance and/or physical presence to even get through my daily work, especially if I’m dealing with something totally new. This is where I will need to work on my competency that will give me the confidence to deal with situations.

I get stressed out when I have to work in a chaotic or noisy environment. That’s just too much stimulations of my senses. This is where I will need to learn how to unwind and create “me” time at the end of a work day.

I get severely upset after getting criticized on my work a couple of times. This affects my confidence and passion in my work. It will cause quality to fall rapidly. Left uncheck, I will slip into depression. I need to learn to let it go and be a little more professional. Need to remind myself that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

I get stressed out when people even raised their voice slightly when talking to me. I can pick up on the tones, the intent, and mood.

I hate it when I have to keep doing repeating or monotonous work. Making it worse would be to do it within a tight deadline. The only way to prevent me from stressing out about doing repeating work would be to give me something new to do or let me do some personal projects. If left undealt with, I will also slip into depression.

I get upset when I’m forced to do work that doesn’t align with my personal value or stances. It causes massive internal turmoil. I have since learn to let things go from time to time but it still affect me quite badly if I’m not careful.

I need a very long time to recharge after work. That means I can get burnt out a lot faster. That’s why learning to say no, developing my ability to schedule and prioritize work, and learning to compartmentalize is very important. I need to create enough “me” time so that I can recharge in any given 24-hour window.

I hate to be at the center of any attention. I prefer to be behind the scene, and not deal with any people. I prefer to be the side-kick.

Certain smells, noises, and lights overwhelm and upset me. I can learn to manage this but at the same time, letting people know and hope the understand is also as important.

I get hangry and it heightens my already sensitive senses, causing me to get even more upset if I smell certain smells, hear certain type of noise or see certain type of lights. Try imagine to live with your senses tuned all the way up. I can of course learn to manage this.

I hate fakery. For example, I’m a casual person and that dressing up is putting on a fake image. This is akin to stepping on my personal value. I can learn to let it go.

I am open to new experiences but only if they are intellectual-related. Any other type of new experiences may require a little more effort on my part to be uncomfortable but my stress coping mechanism has to be able to handle it.

There are probably many more but I will figure them out as I go through life. Now to achieve success in my life, personal development and growth is very important. I need to figure out a way to work on improving on the above traits, especially those that will affect my professional life.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Journal #133 – Concluded Psychological Evaluation

“Oh crap!”

That’s how I felt when I woke up this morning. It was 0928hrs and I have an appointment with my psychologist at 1030hrs.

So I went to with my morning routine and showered while my mom prepared a simple sandwich with slices of hard boiled egg and margarine. I rushed out of the house after packing my bag for work at around 1000hrs and ate my sandwich while making my way to the bus stop opposite my apartment block.

I made a mistake of not bothering to set my alarm clock to wake me up at around 0830hrs and left it at the original 0730hrs. So when the alarm did go off, and I intentionally left my phone on my desk, which is a walking distance from my bed, I walked over to switch off the alarm and went back to bed. I had thought I would wake up automatically at around 0830hrs, which would have given me enough time to prepare. Well, I’m not really a morning person unless I’m forced to or when I’m stressed out.

During the past two weeks, I dare say I made sufficient progress in evaluating what I want in my life, and what my goals and fears are. With that, I set a rule and shall constantly be reminding myself that whatever full-time job that I take on shall just be a means to an end. It is to secure necessary funds for me to do what I enjoy: writing.

After my session with the psychiatrist, I went for lunch at Ichiban Boshi at Jurong Point. Then I made my way to my client’s office. Instead of getting the usual Cold Brew, I went with Earl Grey. Why the change? Well, I tend to get acne outbreaks if I ate too much roasted, fried, or oily food. I know most scientific studies were not able to find a connection there but my body just behaves this way. Since coffee beans are mostly roasted, my face had a couple pimples.

At work today, I focus on bug fixing and enhancing one of the modules. Then at around 1640hrs, I went to get two curry puffs from Tip Top Curry Puff. Once I’m done with the puff, I went back to work. Did some testing of the bug fixes and enhancement before uploading the executable to the company’s FTP server.

I left the office at around 1830hrs, I left to a sea of crowd at Raffles Place station. There was a train signaling fault from Ang Mo Kio station to Marina South Pier station. That’s like practically half of the north-south train line. That meant that trains are moving extremely slowly between those stations.

However, I felt extremely pissed at SMRT for shutting down majority of the fare gates. I know that they are trying to control the amount of people waiting at the platforms for the north-south line but it inadvertently affect the people who are traveling on the east-west line. Making things worse is that some of the passengers have issues tapping their ez-link cards to go through the fare gates. One of the reasons why they have problem was that their cards were in their bags and they attempt to scan their card with their bag through approximation. That’s just plain fucking stupid. Is it so hard to take the card out and scan?

So by the time I went through the gate, I was already sweating heavily caused by the amount of heat generated by the large volume of people. If you are wondering why, I am highly sensitive to certain sounds, temperate, and crowds. So in a way, I’m suffering from over-stimulation. Over-stimulation raised my stress level, which led me to blame SMRT for their inability to manage the crowding situation.

Anyway, I reached home at around 1950hrs. Had a shower, and took some painkiller with muscle relaxant before eating dinner at around 2030hrs. The whole day I was feeling like crap. The left side of my body, especially the neck and shoulder area is extremely sore and painful. I had trouble turning or tiling my head to the right or down. I wasn’t sure why.

The painkiller didn’t help though and so I decided to paste on some medicated plaster to help ease the soreness. The medicated plaster did help but then the effect lasted only for a little bit. Now I need to deal with the pain.

After dinner, I went on to watch the last episode of Planet of the Apps and a couple of YouTube videos.

Special Mention

I also want to thank Mr. Yann Girard for letting me know about his book: 121 Unusual Tips to Being a Better Writer. I don’t get direct messages on Twitter unless it’s because I contacted the support team of a specific company for help or when they are my friends. So to me, it is a big deal and I really appreciate the personal touch. As for the book itself, I haven’t really start reading yet but I suppose it may help in my own writing.

One of his articles, From Employee to Entrepreneur in 10 steps, sounds just like a variation of what I am doing now. I admit that I’m fumbling about right now but I see it as necessary. The most important thing is the process of getting to the end goal and not the actual goal.

That’s all for now.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Journal #129 – Supposed to be a chilling Sunday

There isn’t much for me to update for today.

I spent most of my morning and early afternoon playing Assasin Creed and Watch Dogs 2. I was having a tension headache for most of the day caused by my extensive time in front of a screen.

Then I went for a run with my new running shoes. I wanted to run for 10km. So the moment I start, the running experience felt different from when I was wearing my Adidas shoes, which was meant to be light, airy, and for runners with normal feet. Although the shoes were heavy, it felt comfortable wearing it. Running in them felt like my feet were properly supported and my joints didn’t felt very painful. I was able to run faster in them.

Until…
At around 5.30km mark, my left feet hurt extremely bad at where the arch of my feet is. It felt like the tendons in my feet are being pulled apart. So I stopped running and walked instead. A brief googling revealed that it could be Plantar fasciitis. While walking, or when waiting at the traffic light, I shifted my feet around in my shoe until I hit the right angle where it stopped hurting when I walked. I cut the run short and since it was raining anyway, I decided to go home at 6.15km mark.

So at home, when I took out my shoes, I realized that my left shoe was more loose than my right. I suspect it could be because I didn’t tighten my shoe properly that lead to over-pronation during the run.

Anyway, until dinner, it was just me watching YouTube video and then I decided to rent a movie called Train to Busan on iTunes. I only watched the first quarter of the show before it’s dinner time.

The dinner was home-cooked pasta with tomato sauce, prawns, and hotdogs but the mood of the dinner was kind of ruined half way. It also ruined my mood to watch the movie.

Now, I don’t write this kind of thing here but then it’s the kind of situation that I have to deal with every other day at home. Have been dealing with that since I was little but then it doesn’t mean it isn’t stressful.

Come to think of it, the situation I faced every other day at home also serve as a great example of why personal development, especially on the EQ side, and self-awareness is so important. It doesn’t matter if the situation is with family, professional, or friends but if you lack those two, you pretty much ruined any relationship that you have. And these two topics are why I restarted my blog in the first place. I wanted to document my daily journey, what I have encountered, and my thoughts.

I’m not saying I don’t have any flaws since I’m a work in progress. I’m not an empath but I have more self-awareness now, which opened up new opportunities. I also know when I got a problem and it is affecting my relationship with my friends or co-workers.

So the situation at home revolves around my dad. I dare say he lacks the EQ. If he had, he won’t be so sensitive and snapped at family members at the slightest of comments about lifestyle or him. Then he will get somewhat physical, doesn’t matter if it’s against persons or objects. I don’t know if he is aware that his behavior pretty much ruin the atmosphere and mood at home, and raise cortisol levels across. Now even if he is aware, it does look like he doesn’t even to try to improve. From time to time, it feels like he’s treating the family as a punching bag. That’s also why my relationship with him is cool, not neutral, or warm.

Yes, this is me doing an audit of one of my family members. It’s part of how you can improve your life. If I take a step further, it means to excise the toxicity, which is hard to do when it comes to family.

Of course people can say that as family, we should work to improve each other. But then this is a traditional Chinese family, where the father is the head of the family and doesn’t like being challenged by underlings. If you challenge him, you get snapped at and suffer verbal abuse. I already had enough of that so in this case I think only his peers of roughly the same age can help. It’s just like how my friends helped me or mentored me.

Now I’m just making assumptions here, but I would think that it’s much easier for me to work with someone with Asperger’s or high-functioning autistism.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Here I conclude my journal for today.