Daily Journal – Aug 8, 2017

This is my 124th journal.

I woke up earlier today without alarm clock at around 0900hrs. Watched some YouTube video from my favorite youtubers , had a quick morning shower, and then joined my mom to go eat chicken porridge at Jurong West hawker centre.

While eating, I was sweating like mad because I have been eating in air-conditioned environment often. My mom was saying that I have pampered myself too much already. Yeah, I agree. That’s what happen when you feel like a millionaire (not an actual millionaire).

After eating, I had a craving for fried carrot cake and so my mom went to get it. It took more than 15 minutes before it was ready. During that time, the sky started pouring down and my mom forgot to bring in the laundry before we went out. So that’s that.

When my mom finally came back, it was in a packed form. Apparently, the person preparing the food didn’t hear what my mom said about eating in. It didn’t matter as I decided to eat it at home. Then we went to the wet market to get some fishball and egg noodles.

After that we went home. At first we wanted to board bus number 99 but there were a lot of people. So happened that bus number 502 also came and we took that instead. Well, I was under the assumption that the bus will stop at our apartment block but upon checking the details of the bus route, I realized our mistake.

But it’s all good. We alighted at the a mini-shopping mall near our house and went to the supermarket instead. Got more stuff before we made our way home.

Along the way, and running from the rain, I came across two really cute and beautiful cats. I love cats so much, especially when they are all fluffy.

So I went to pet the one of the cats on the head before joining my mom and making our way home.

Upon reaching home, I ate the fried carrot cake and I found it pretty tasty but can’t beat the one that I ate at Ang Mo Kio hawker centre.

After that, brushed my teeth again and I drank some Earl Grey. Then I went to play Cities Skylines for the remaining of the day until dinner time at around 2030hrs. Along the way, my mom went out with my sister to see the doctor as my sister was feeling sick. Then my mom did tried to call me but because I was wearing earphones, playing games, I didn’t know my phone rang. So I missed it. Apparently, my mom wanted to ask me what I wanted to eat for lunch. End up she got me two big meat buns. Ate that for lunch and continue playing.

Here are some night shots of my city:

In the game, I made some rather drastic changes to the roads to ensure optimal traffic flow. I changed the roundabouts and used highways-type roads to force traffic to move in a certain way, taking advantage of the in-game road properties.

For the night, I went to watch a YouTube video by Gary Vaynerchuk. In a way, he’s an inspiration to me and serve as a constant reminder to me that I should continue to be myself and do the things that I enjoy in my own way.

Why the need for reminder? Well, I am someone who has the tendency to emulate or be someone else, is an introvert, and score very high on neuroticism of the five factor model. Since I tend to get overwhelm very easily, I have to learn and practice to do things at my own pace, which I tend to forget or when I feel like I should meet someone else’s expectations.

I have also been watching videos and reading up on High Sensitivity and Elaine Aron’s research. Somehow, I feel like I have some traits of a highly sensitive person. I get hangry, is ticklish, never quite like physical contact with another person, and prefer to work in a dark room or in a cubicle. But then I am rarely in tune with emotions of other people. So I don’t know whether I’m a HSP or is just a neurotic introvert.

Here I conclude my journal for today.

Daily Journal – Jun 26, 2017

This is my 86th journal.

I am not even sure if I did enough things today to warrant writing this journal.

Last night, I tried to sleep early but I don’t think it was a quality sleep. I woke up again in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall asleep until around maybe it was 4 or 5am.

*Oh, come on, it’s a freaking public holiday.*

I guess my mind or body somehow knew it was a Monday and I’m supposed to go to work.

I did manage to force myself to play through a couple of hours of Prey in the morning and managed to tune out work from my mind. Then I went to play a few rounds of Plague Inc. and I didn’t quite manage to complete a mission. Got distracted by something else and the thought of work surfaced again.

In the afternoon, I decided to go and get some lunch. Went Jurong Point for that. Then I went to get a drink from Coffee Bean. Starbucks today had a surprisingly long queue. During the time that I was waiting for the bus, I did some writing. A couple of lines for my short story. At least, I guess, it’s better than nothing.

I guess some self-reflection is in order.

I did spent quite some time thinking about certain things, especially how my neuroticism is affecting my life. I also know that I’m a scanner (a term introduced in the book, Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams┬áby Barbara Sher) or also known as a multi-potentialite but my neuroticism is holding me back, preventing me from seeking out new experiences.

I also know that I’m not empathic at all. I lost count of the number of wrong decisions, statements or comments that I’ve made that hurt someone I know.

Now I wonder if it’s because I simply didn’t take the effort to actually get to know someone, feel, and care for someone that I am like this.

Maybe it’s because of some deeper problems? I can’t be sure but maybe listing them down will help.

First possibility: Is it because of my neuroticism that is taking away the mental capacity for empathic acitivities?

Second possibility: Is it because of me being a scanner/multi-potentialite that I fear commitments?

Third possibility: Maybe it’s both.

Fourth possibility: Maybe it’s because I’m an impatient person that I can’t be bothered to figure out how to make a relationship work.

Fifth possibility: Maybe it all three.

*Sigh.*

I think the only way to know for sure is to take the effort to try to get to know someone, love the person for who he/she is and commit to taking care of that person.

I don’t know if would change me but will it kill me to do so? Not really.

Side note, I uploaded the short story that I submitted for Golden Point Award 2011. You can read it here.

Here I conclude my journal for today.