Journal #218 – Losing interest, Trying to recover

Being a highly sensitive person means that whatever that is going on inside of me is amplified.

My sleep debt is causing my energy levels to plummet drastically and now reached a low point. It affects my mood and emotional states. I get more frustrated easily. I get more annoyed easily. But these days, I practice holding back the actions that I tend to take when feeling emotion, take a deep breath, and I will verbalize how I feel if necessary.

Either way, I am catching myself losing interest in my work and quality is falling. It’s getting pretty obvious in terms of the codes I write. They are start to look more shabby.

No one is going to fix that situation. It’s my own body. I have to fix it myself. So I have to find a way to recover from this situation, working within the 24 hours period that everyone has.

Other than that, I also decided that I shall spend less time in front of a screen and more time in front of books.

So after I had my lunch, I went to the Kinokuniya store near my workplace to get some books. After walking around the store, I decided to get two books. One of which has been planned for quite some time. I suppose you can guess which is it.

One is called Megatech: Technology in 2050.

The other was Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson.

There is something I like to note. I took the two pictures in the dark using my iPhone 7 Plus. I wanted to see how do I get ambient lighting from a piece of paper and the LED light from my iPhone. Somehow the images turned out to be pretty blurry. Maybe I didn’t focus right but I thought it’s a good try.

I know I still got one book that I hadn’t finish reading. It was the Jony Ive biography that I got previously. I didn’t get around to finish it because I only read it when I’m on the way home on the train. There are days when I’m just so tired and aching badly that I didn’t want to read. I simply didn’t have the mood or desire.

Anyway, last night I didn’t get to sleep early. I don’t think today I can either. Look at the time now. It’s already 11 pm and I have yet brush my teeth. It’s my fault for spending too much time watching tv shows instead of resting early. Maybe tomorrow I shall try going into office much later by sleeping in.

Ok, that’s all for now.

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Journal #149 – Collections of Thought Snippets

Thought #1

There was a period of time in my life when I actually felt I shouldn’t be writing so much or posting so much on Facebook. I feared being judged. So I stopped for a while. But it turns out to be a mistake. I’m someone who needed a medium, a venue or something to just write on and share. It helps me de-stress and declutter my mind. When it’s not enough, I will find someone to talk to.

Thought #2

When you have interact with me long enough, you will find that my language usage sometimes come across as odd. It’s not intentional. It’s just that when we are discussing about something, my mind is in a certain context and my responses are based on whether they agree with certain rules in the context in my mind (which is not visible to another person). Not sure if you understand what I meant…

Thought #3

I know sometimes I do come across as whiny but I like my individuality too. Sometimes, I will randomly make some odd comments or ask odd questions. Some of my friends call me Random Brandon. All in all, I am grateful for that friendship and appreciate you, my dear friends, for letting me be myself.

Thought #4

I do get upset when people are dismissive of or disagreeing with certain topic or things, especially the ones that have actually helped me immensely in my personal life. It’s because I identified myself with certain things, and those things has somehow given me some kind of individuality. It’s like I finally found myself and then when you disagree with it, it felt like my identity is taken away from me again, inadvertently violating my foundational value of individuality . But I always try my best to catch myself from making any angry comments because at the end, it is just someone else’s opinion, and I don’t need to give a shit. What I can do also is to take it under advisement if it is really a good advice.

Thought #5

Instead of using our vast manufacturing capabilities to create something meaningful and useful, we now shift to production of useless trinkets, keychains, and decorative magnets while consuming more and more of our earth natural resources.

Thought #6

You know what’s hard? Living in a bustling world and you are a highly-sensitive person where your mind just absorb everything around you, the colors, the smell, the noises, etc. You become just dead tired at the end of the day.

Thought #7

I have a lot of anxiety because of my low self-esteem and lack of confidence. When I’m stressed, it is even more pronounced. The anxiety feeds into the stress which caused me to make mistakes. When I make mistakes, I suffer from anxiety attack. It just goes on and on.

Daily Journal – Aug 8, 2017

This is my 124th journal.

I woke up earlier today without alarm clock at around 0900hrs. Watched some YouTube video from my favorite youtubers , had a quick morning shower, and then joined my mom to go eat chicken porridge at Jurong West hawker centre.

While eating, I was sweating like mad because I have been eating in air-conditioned environment often. My mom was saying that I have pampered myself too much already. Yeah, I agree. That’s what happen when you feel like a millionaire (not an actual millionaire).

After eating, I had a craving for fried carrot cake and so my mom went to get it. It took more than 15 minutes before it was ready. During that time, the sky started pouring down and my mom forgot to bring in the laundry before we went out. So that’s that.

When my mom finally came back, it was in a packed form. Apparently, the person preparing the food didn’t hear what my mom said about eating in. It didn’t matter as I decided to eat it at home. Then we went to the wet market to get some fishball and egg noodles.

After that we went home. At first we wanted to board bus number 99 but there were a lot of people. So happened that bus number 502 also came and we took that instead. Well, I was under the assumption that the bus will stop at our apartment block but upon checking the details of the bus route, I realized our mistake.

But it’s all good. We alighted at the a mini-shopping mall near our house and went to the supermarket instead. Got more stuff before we made our way home.

Along the way, and running from the rain, I came across two really cute and beautiful cats. I love cats so much, especially when they are all fluffy.

So I went to pet the one of the cats on the head before joining my mom and making our way home.

Upon reaching home, I ate the fried carrot cake and I found it pretty tasty but can’t beat the one that I ate at Ang Mo Kio hawker centre.

After that, brushed my teeth again and I drank some Earl Grey. Then I went to play Cities Skylines for the remaining of the day until dinner time at around 2030hrs. Along the way, my mom went out with my sister to see the doctor as my sister was feeling sick. Then my mom did tried to call me but because I was wearing earphones, playing games, I didn’t know my phone rang. So I missed it. Apparently, my mom wanted to ask me what I wanted to eat for lunch. End up she got me two big meat buns. Ate that for lunch and continue playing.

Here are some night shots of my city:

In the game, I made some rather drastic changes to the roads to ensure optimal traffic flow. I changed the roundabouts and used highways-type roads to force traffic to move in a certain way, taking advantage of the in-game road properties.

For the night, I went to watch a YouTube video by Gary Vaynerchuk. In a way, he’s an inspiration to me and serve as a constant reminder to me that I should continue to be myself and do the things that I enjoy in my own way.

Why the need for reminder? Well, I am someone who has the tendency to emulate or be someone else, is an introvert, and score very high on neuroticism of the five factor model. Since I tend to get overwhelm very easily, I have to learn and practice to do things at my own pace, which I tend to forget or when I feel like I should meet someone else’s expectations.

I have also been watching videos and reading up on High Sensitivity and Elaine Aron’s research. Somehow, I feel like I have some traits of a highly sensitive person. I get hangry, is ticklish, never quite like physical contact with another person, and prefer to work in a dark room or in a cubicle. But then I am rarely in tune with emotions of other people. So I don’t know whether I’m a HSP or is just a neurotic introvert.

Here I conclude my journal for today.